Brian Patterson of d20Monkey brings us yet another holiday cheer laden comic, we’ve got so many ideas for this one, it’s a pity we’re not allowed to enter ourselves! So you guys are going to have to come through for us! You know the drill, give us your best shot in the comments below. We could care less if you’ve been naughty or nice, so long as you leave us a some good humor. Remember one caption per comment and leave as many as you like! The winner of this strip is also going to get a super secret christmas present from Obsidian Santa.
Winner will have their comical genius recognized both here, and at d20Monkey.com, gain 3 months of Ascendant time and an Obsidian Portal T-Shirt! Contest ends midnight (CST) on Dec 31st, which should give you enough time to enjoy the holidays and also make a trip or two back to the department store to return that ugly sweater your aunt got you.
From the whole crew at OP, we wish you guys all a safe and happy month of holidays! Now get captioning!
And our winner is August Hahn with:
“Only then did Tingles and Santa learn the terrible truth. In Soviet North Pole, Chimney slides down you.”
Obsidian Portal is the award winning Online Campaign Management System for tabletop role-playing games. It’s free to use, it can be accessed from any web browser and it's built from the ground up for gamers by gamers.
We host a huge community of tabletop RPG players who are all looking to get the most out of their tabletop gaming experience. You play your campaign and we help you manage it. It’s that simple.
With no rogue in his party, Santa used fantatical hirelings to search for traps.
This.
The Wizard of Oz: Christmas Special. Scene 4 – “Now take the Crimson-Spattered Hat of the Evil Elf of the East and your gift from the Candy Cane Guild and follow the Yellow-Brick Road.”
Santa: Okay, maybe this is the wrong chimney after all.
Elf: I told you Scrooge the Grinchy belongs on the naughty list. But would you listen? Nooooo.
Santa was both shocked and saddened to see that one of his elves had turned to the dark side, but more confused as to how his saber could be candy cane colored.
ELf: “Noooooooooo!”
Santa: “I told you. No elf escapes the north pole!”
Santa: My word!
Elf: SEE?! I asked you for a 10 foot pole this year and I just got a candy cane. Maybe next year you’ll listen.
You shouldn’t have laughed when I offered to check for traps with my 10 dm candy cane.
See, Mortimer? See how vile those children can be?
Now, go get those cookies, and GLORY shall be yours!
Nothing like having candy cane flavoured cannon fodder.
Good, I can feel your anger! Take your candy cane. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the peppermint side will be complete!
Santa: Elf minion 13. That giant has now squished 12 of your buddies. Now get out there and leave him some coal.
One elf thief. One grizzled old human hireling. In Hackmaster, that’s a balanced party.
“Easy there, Crumpet. I think Burgermeister Meisterburger been alerted to our presence…”
“Learn from Tinkle-pop’s mistake, probe the ceiling too.”
“WHY ARE WE EVEN DELIVERING HERE??”
“Why do you keep sending us into these deathtraps Santa!”
“Hey, I almost lost a reindeer back there, do you know how expensive those things are? Now get going! Here, use this candy-cane like stick to pole-vault yourself through the trap, let me know when you have it all disarmed.”
Elf: Not Dobby!
Santa: There was never an elf so proud of his hat.
What …… This is the best you could find in that Bag of Holding of yours……. ?
“Got anything for that in your handy haversack there fat man?”
Santa discovered Gruumsh had stepped up his home dungeon security system this year.
WTF Boss! I asked for a Hackmaster +12 for Christmas!
Explain to me how this is better than that nativity scene gig again?
Santa: Poles should be measured in people feet, not elf feet.
elf: “we’re going to get killed chasing after your damn milk and cookies!”
Santa: “not to worry, i’ve got a whole sack full of those guys”
Never one to miss a beat, Santa slight of handed himself an extra party share before the group cleared the first trap.
“I thought Elves were supposed to have good dexterity.”
Pingback: Haste Podcast: Penny Arcade Switches to Pathfinder, Dungeon A Day, D&D Secrecy. | Words in the Dark
Do not give in to your anger… anger leads to pouting… pouting leads to coal…
Dammit! That’s the 12th elf we’ve lost. What kind of GM makes a dungeon of nothing but traps for Santa!?!
Looks dangerous. You go first.
“You call it chaotic-neutral. I call it ‘naughty.’ Either way, that’s one less lump of coal I’ll need to deliver.”
“Send more elves.”
You’re wearing a red shirt, elf! What did you expect?
Ho, Haha, Guard, Turn, Parry, Dodge, Spin, Ha, Thrust!
Remembering an important lesson from Star Trek, he sends his elves out first hoping that red pants are just as effective as red shirts…
Though Santa hated to admit it, he couldn’t help thinking that Zoltar, Dark Lord of the Abyss, should have been on the “naughty” list after all.
Santa fought the urge to shout, “It’s a trap!” Although, secretly, he imagined Snowball would have appreciated a good “Star Wars” joke right about now.
Be a good little elf and hand your candy stick over to the giant or you’ll end up like Timmy!
Elf: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Santa: You Bastards!
Santa: *sigh* Got a mop head for that candy stick, elf?
I wouldn’t touch that with a thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot-pole, much less a ten-foot pole!
ENOUGH!! Santa, I don’t care HOW good the lich has been this year! We’re not going any further!
Elf; Bob! Nooooooooooooo!
Santa; The gingerbread golem is too strong! We must flee for now!
“Be cafeful Santa… your shirt is red too.”
It’ll be alright. He’s peppermint-flavored.
Santa: Hey, you told me that wall was okay!
Elf: *Thinking* Dang you Sugersnap, Dang you!
I told you LAST Christmas he wanted a 10′ candy cane too!
Santa: Okay! Here’s the plan. I’ll run as fast as I can and you activate you candy cane rod of smiting 1,2,3 GO!
Elf: Wait, What?
There is a reason some things shouldn’t scale based on creature size, and no, I don’t care that it’s an “enchanted pole with +2 to peppermint.”
Santa: OMG what just happened
Elf: I told that SOB of a brother to stop touching my candy!! They will all listen now!
“We don’t want to scare the little kiddies”, you said! “We couldn’t POSSIBLY need some non-candy-based equipment”, you said!
Elf – I just healed him!
Santa – I’m beginning to think that small sized ten-foot poles weren’t such good stocking stuffers after all…
Elf: FRITZ!!! HE KILLED FRITZ!!!!
Santa: Dirty rotten stinking…
Elf (Paranoid): I told you! I told you! Get jolly for a few seconds & then… Bam!
Santa: Calm down, Bernard! I’m sure it nothing to do with the fact he’s an elf. The DM just isn’t that cruel.
correction: Calm down, Bernard! I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact he’s an elf. The DM just isn’t that cruel.
Naughty!!! Very Naughty!!!
Elf: Here’s a stocking stuffer idea for you…how about a d20 that can never auto-fail a reflex save!
“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of dungeon nor orcs nor trolls nor fatal traps stays these jolly couriers from the swift completion of their appointed adventures. No chimney left unclimbed, no dungeon left undelved. This is Santa’s Creed.”
Santa: You underestimated the power of the swartz…
Elf: I told him not to step there but he didn’t listen. Now will you believe I have a candycane of trap detection+4?
Elf: I TOLD HIM TO STOP TEASING ME ABOUT MY HIT POINTS, DIDN’T I SANTA??? A d12 hit point die means CRAP when the guy behind you shoves you into a dead-fall! HAH!
Santa: Yeaaaaah, i think we’re going to change your alignment form Lawful Nice to Chaotic Naughty over this. And you walk in front of me. Forever.
Only then did Tingles and Santa learn the terrible truth.
In Soviet North Pole, Chimney slides down you.
Dude, you win!
“Santa, is it REALLY worth all this just to give Grimtooth a lump of coal?!?”
elf: “JINGLEBELLS?! WHO THE HECK PUTS JINGLEBELLS ON A DEAD-FALL!?!?!?!?!”
santa: “Welcome to the Temple of Elemental Elv-vil.”
There, there Timmy, it’ll be OK, Bob’s gone on to a better place, now buck up, we have presents that still need delivering
“If Chester Copperpot couldn’t do it how are an elf and a jolly fat man going to?”
Great Goonies reference!!!
“note to self: next level invest more skill points into trap finding and less into dentistry.”
“If Rudolph were here we could just fly over the trapped floor, but noooo! Somebody didn’t want to bring there animal companion with them into the dungeon!”
What happens when weapon scaling for small weapons is applied to 10ft poles
Elf: That’s the thirteenth rebel that has fallen for the ol’ “candy stick” trap, sir!
Santa: Well done, Rodney. Now reset the trap—the Naughty Rebellion ends now!
Despite the many casualties in the Tomb of Naughtiness, Santa and his loyal elf knew that only the great Silver Bells in the heart of the dungeon could combine with the might of the Peppermint Staff to empower a new Saint Nicholas’ Gift-Bag of Hefty Capacity, one capable of holding all of those pee-cees and aych-dee-tee-vees.
Klaus strikes again.
I keep telling you, you listen to me more, you live longer!
That’s what I said, boobie traps.
He chose…poorly.
Santa: “Before you go, Tinkle, I just want you to know that I liked you least.”
“I told you anybody who lives in something called The Tomb of Horrors goes on the naughty list!”
Santa: “Leave this one. I can’t fit another one in my bag anyway.”
Santa takes a five-foot step back while Binky the elf prepares to charge the Gelatinous Fudge with his +1 peppermint quarterstaff.
After they started their worker’s union, there was only one way to get rid of unproductive elves….
Tindle was glad he had convinced the boss to let him bring a weapon in case their “perfect disguises” resulted in a repeat of the Halloween Heist Horror.
“I told you Juggernaut was getting coal this year!”
There can be only one!!!
Now they will know why they are afraid of the dark. Now they learn why they fear the night.
For no one – no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. This you can trust
This Immovable Candy Cane is cursed!!!!
Santa, are you sure this kid is on the nice list?
Remind me why we installed the fatal security system for the presents.
Ralphie the Elf: Ohhhhhh FFFFFFFUUUUUUUDGGGGGGEEEEEE. Only I didn’t say “FUDGE”. I said the grand daddy mother of them all, the “F – - -”.
Santa: What did you say??? “That’s what I thought…”
Elf: KYAAH!
Santa: What’s gotten into you? That’s just what happens to elves that don’t meet quota. Now get back to work.
Elf: IS THIS THE ONLY THING LEFT IN YOUR LEVEL 30 BAG OF TRICKS?
Santa: I forgot about Gruumsh, ok?
Santa: Well, I guess that makes you two even. He double dog dares you to stick your tongue to the flag pole. You double dog dare him to call Scott Farcus, “a fat headed bully in a Davey Crocket hat”. I hope you both learned a lesson.
Elf: Now can I have that Red Rider Bee Bee Gun, Santa?!
Santa: No way! You’ll shoot your eye out.
Elf: I don’t care how good of a pay raise you promise me next year…I am NOT cleaning that up!
Elf: …it’s mine… my own… my precious…
Santa: Precious? It’s been called that before, but not by you. I think you’ve had that pepermint stick LONG enough….
Elf: What’s in that bag, toys for all the little boys and girls?
Santa: No, i’m done with all this gift-giving, i’m going to go sell them for more gold
Elf: WOO-HOO, that means a pay raise!
Santa: No Way, i’m going to go hire me some young female hireling (if you know what i mean)!
Elf: Yeah Buddy!
Don’t worry, that was the mirror image elf!
I didn’t realize the peppermint cane would summon THAT.
Santa knew that giving Kirby point wouldn’t end well. But, he owed him a lot of overtime.
Santa: “And then there was one, well young Elf, you will offically be known as Candy-Cane Slayer”
Elf: “Such power! Come on you naughty kids! I’ll take you all on!”
Santa: “Now Now SSC, save that fury for the Drow Elf in the next room.”
Santa: But I gave him a cloak to make him invincible…
Elf: The cloak of Elven kind doesn’t protect against that.
Elf: “Let me at em, Let me at em!”
Santa: “Hold on there tough guy, didn’t you see the ‘No Soliciting’ sign? Let’s leave this one for the Easter Bunny.”
“Khaaaaaaannnn!!!!!!!”
Elf: “I can’t believe ‘this’ was holding up that huge stone block. Tinker? Did you hear me Tinker?”
Santa: “Come along now, and keep your hands to your self and DON”T touch anything! Someone’s hunting us elves.”
The original ‘Nightmare Before Christmas’
“Snowflake, we need to send you to HR to check out your anger management options.”
“Told you there was a war on Christmas!”
Elf: “I told him, all you gotta be, is faster then the last guy. He never listened.”
Santa: “Yep, and he should have stayed away from my milk and cookies.”
Santa: “Cause there mine!”
“If I told Nutmeg once, I told him a thousand times. Never, ever be there with bells on!”
“Yeah, well now he’s a SHELF.”
Santa: “Hey! Did you pull that out of the stone?”
Global warming effects Santa’s workshop in ways you can’t even imagine.
“It’s a South Pole conspiracy, I tell ya!”
Elf: “NOW THIS! Is the cane I’ve been looking for.”
Santa: “Come along there Rambo-Elf.”
“11 more days of this?”
Elf: “I’ve had enough of this! Where’s the GreenGoblin?”
Santa: “Eh, I think he’s over here.”
Just out of curiosity, what did he have to roll to “throw up the sash?”
“Don’t fuck with Blitzen.”
Elf: “I don’t recall ‘squishing’ being in the policy.”
Santa: “Did you look at the small print?”
“HOOF…there it is.”
“Sometimes it’s beyond me why anyone would WANT to join in the reindeer games.”
“But Santa, he just kept playing ‘Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer’ over and over and over.”
“I know you’re upset, Tinsel, but I didn’t think I had to tell you to make the gingerbread house hollow.”
Damnit, why can’t the shoes be pointing out like in that movie!? Yo, Red, a little help? You got any magic for this?
“That’s right, poser! Long straw, Hallmark. Short straw, Shoebox Greetings!”
“Well, he did threaten to go to the press.”
“You ain’t in Macy’s no more, Red. Now you’re up in the big leagues.”
“Puddings are horrible above the Artic Circile.”
Circle
“Mess with an albino dark elf and you’ve got it comin’, mister.”
“Damned kids!”
“Alright, does anyone else in the sack still make wooden toys?”
“I’m starting to regret blacklisting gnomes all those centuries ago.”
“That ‘target self’ text has got to be a misprint.”
“Relax, Bungle. It’s just how they celebrate Christmas in Iran.”
“Freakin’ stealth rolls with jingle bells!”
“Jeez, there should be a sign when you enter into New York!”
Santa: “This is why nobody likes Fruitcakes. . .”
Caribou have a sick sense of humor.
Two and a Half Elves
“There’s nothing that could be done, Nog. Celebrity was important to him. Once Hollyberry figured out all those people weren’t Googling M.E.L.F, he’d made up his mind.”
“Darn it, Pico. You just can’t wish for more chocolate than you’d ever imagined when you live in a magic workshop.”
“Once and for all, we’re tiny elves. Stop treating us like diminuatives!”
Gumby claymation and Christmas claymation do not mash-up well.
“I told them not to make a fifth Indiana Jones.”
“The big stamp of approval was supposed to be figurative.”
“What really sucks is that he was part Rivendell elf. So under there he’ll still live forever.”
Quiggly only ever wanted to be taller.
CSI: Borealis
“Well I guess thanks to the sacrifice of number 37 we now know what that pressure plate does. What will we do next, Dr. Girlfriend?”
Until The Vatican adopts a more streamlined process of de-canonization, St. Nick has carte blanche.
“Every ten years those dinosaur toys get popular again.”
Gimble’s confetti blaster proved no match for the Borg cube.
Topo might have gotten out of the way faster if he wasn’t so addicted to Skyrim.
Gary Gygax speaks from the grave.
“Times are hard, Starbrite. I’m afraid we will have to recycle the cap.”
“I don’t know. Some smart-aleck’s commentary on the commercialization of Christmas, maybe.”
It was only as he fully absorbed Glimpy’s cruel fate that Kringle realized *HE* was the next party member wearing a red shirt…
“Okay, Chortle, the lesson here is that if you intend to help with rounds on the 24th, all the remotes in your bag need to be shut off.”
Misfit Toys Retaliate
“I think 11 pipers piping is just too difficult of a password to remember.”
“You would let an old woman die between the stones?!”
Elves move in on Easter.
“His given elf name was Expendibibble. What did you expect?”
“Seriously, boss. With a name like Kris Kringle did you just expect never to have a typo when intialing your emails?”
“It’s Christmas Elf Survival 101. Never order in bulk.”
“Granted, Biscuit, but what’s in the box?”
“Now, now, second position plie´ is a difficult move for Voltron too.”
Even at the North Pole it was a struggle to keep unemployment under 10%.
“It’s a miracle those Christmas buffs gave him the hit points to survive the first three.”
“You have to admire him for wanting to build it from the ground up.”
“Something’s wrong with the new sleigh.”
“Marley said that third ghost would be a bitch.”
“He’s with Cate Blanchett now.”
“It starts with bringing trees inside the house and it just gets out of hand from there.”
Scorsese Customizes Snowglobes for The Franklin Mint
Until now, Icicle hadn’t thought there was anything suspicious about the Trojan Rectangle.
Bob’s d6 suddenly bounced from the playmat and into the ceramic Christmas village that belonged to the DM’s wife.
“This wouldn’t have happened if is mini was still made of pewter.”
his
his mini
“Is that the Jingle Bell Rock?”
“At least the French told the U.S. when they were getting a statue!”
“Santa, don’t look now, but I think it’s a giant dreidel.”
“Sooo… if this is Warduke’s Peppermint Staff of Piston-Summoning, then who has my purple unicorn hobby-horse?”
Stevie, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
“See, Timmy? This is why you are supposed to use [i]6[/i] foot poles…”
“We’re still working some of the kinks out of that factory space we leased from Wonka.”
“Pesto, you’re promoted.”
“It’s not your fault. Dinky suffered from reverse snow-blindness.”
“Wow. I say we use some of that eve-magic that gets you around the world and travel back to see that again!”
Porn for Orcs
“It’s actually the second leading cause of death in Christmas elves…next to Otik’s Spiced Potatoes.”
Sleigh Trek III: The Search for Spork
“I know it’s the hot ticket this year, boss, but you have to remember to engage the safety protocols on 27E.”
Every time you volunteer in a soup kitchen for the holidays, an elf loses a job.
“Igby, give out all the hats you want, but no more guided children’s tours through the turducken wing.”
“I think they were aiming for Rudolph.”
“I told him not to get mixed up with that Italian Christmas donkey crowd.”
“Get behind me Santa! Rudolph’s gotten into the radioactive eggnogg!”
Santa: So, we’re not made of marshmallow on the inside, after all
Elf: I thought the ‘give gifts to kids’ thing was neat, but you really are mental, aren’t you
Santa: I think they know we’re here
Elf: ‘He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake’ but he don’t know when to not give a bad guy a lump of coal!
Santa: I knew he’d been naughty this year.
Elf: Oh, SNAP!
“We might want to move over to WhiteWolf Publishing.”
“Why do they keep letting the mistletoe lure them in?!”
“See if you can get Chip off of that old block.”
“Thousand pound cake, bad idea.”
Elf: This kid better be on the “Nice” list. You checked it TWICE, right?
Santa: Well sorta, but Mrs. Clause distracted me with, er um… science. Yeah, that’s it…
Slain by the Spirit
“Who’s the bowl full of jelly now?!”
Atkins is toughest around the holidays.
“Damn it Sparkle, you rolled Monk. Stop trying to Rage.”
“No, no, no! It’s ‘What fun it is to laugh and sing a *sleighing* song tonight.’ Sleighing! Not ‘slaying!’ “
While many reviewers felt that the Lurker 3000 Reticulated Scout-Smasher was one of Santa’s worst gift ideas in centuries, he remained convinced it would be a critical hit.
How many times did we go through this drill during Team Skill Training? I search for the traps while everyone else stands back. (Tinkle should have used his Avoid)
Elf: Another one!? Santa, I keep telling you, we need elves with a little sense!
Santa: Keep talking Sparkles, and you’ll be the next to lead.
Santa: It’s okay Sprinkles, it’s how we deal with non-believers.
Elf: Awwww fudge!
Santa: Really? I thought he looked more like jell-o… Hmmm. Nope, still not seeing any fudge but that does sound good. Go get me some!
Elf: But sir! Isnt that what you sent Jolly for?
Santa: And? MOVE IT!!!
“Nothing you can’t do withan infinite number of expendable workers, my Butt!”
“Ooopsie.”
OMG! Is that Rudolph’s head?
“Well, he was needing an attitude adjustment.
Elf: Damn it Blinkin… I told you to wait till I had the trap disabled…
Santa: And Here I am all out of Holiday Cheer healing spells…
“Remember, you are getting paid a whole gold for this.”
-Peasants; far cheaper than splitting the loot with a rogue-
Santa: “Today, the loot is MINE!”
“I think The Baby New Year and Father Time are trying to tell us something about 2012.”
“Which parable was this?”
“Finally! No more yearly update letters about his wanna-be family.”
“Careful, some halls deck you back.”
Finding Binky’s hat was sad, but realizing he was the last in line was horrifying.
“Parkour is not for every elf.”
Elf: Kelso was the greatest of the Elven Warriors. His pepermint stick will be missed.
Santa: That’s just great! I asked Ms. Clause to send me a Gnome Warrior and an Elf Rogue, instead I get an Elf Warrior and a “Rogue” Gnome….
FOR THE PEPPERMINT HORDE!!
No. No no… It’s a wand of rocks, swish.. flick.. summons COAL.
NOT- SWISH.. THUD!!!
“See Santa I told you not to put our DM on the naughty list!”
Vile Grinch! You shall pay dearly for this Christmas treachery!!!!
Dammit! The pine tree golem got Timmy!!
Elf: God Damn It, Buddy!! I said the trap was sound activated!
Santa: The best way to spread x-mas cheer is singing loud for all to hear…
Elf: You shut your cookie hole! The elf with the ten foot candy cane is talking!
Santa: St. Nick’s Nickers!
Elf: They call it the “War on Christmas” but this is murder, Santa…murder!
Dammit! You didn’t tell me this was a load-bearing candy cane!
Santa: It’s okay…it’s gonna be okay…You know I think he may have been right though: There are candy canes behind that door. Why don’t you check for me?
Pingback: Haste Podcast: WotC’s Layoffs, Paizo’s RPG Superstar & RPG Fact Sheets | Words in the Dark
Elf: GODDAMIT!!
Santa: See, I told you candy canes were too britte to work as a 10-foot pole.
“Not again! Are you SURE Acererak is on the NICE list?!?!”
“So much for Master Eggnog’s Elf-Defense Classes.”
“i suppose we can name a Christmas sauce after him.”
“THAT’S wassailing?!”
“There’s someone who’ll never look at Mrs. Claus again.”
“Sure, it’ll finally upstage those blasted Rockettes, but can we afford the two month run off-Broadway?”
“Do you think it’s sfe to move him?”
safe
“Figures it was one of Oprah’s favorite things.”
“Wow. Didn’t think they were coming out with Greater Yule Log until Monster Manual VI.”
“Told him not to bring myrrh.”
The elves Twinkie and Binkie were in for quite a surprise. Santa had invited them to help him make the life-size peppermint elf cookies this year.
“Grunkle died as he lived…with his head up his ass.”
Normally in charge of oversized toys like swingsets and trampolines, Bork the Christmas elf’s fingers proved too thick and clumsy for a disable device check.
Icecap cried out in horror knowing that the new guy hadn’t yet finished signing all his papers down in Elven Resources
“This is why I never start my rounds on the 23rd.”
Having a wanted poster of Tim Burton in every workshop from True to Magnetic North only served to make his hits bolder.
Gimbel’s may have gone out of business decades ago, but remnants of its rivalry with Macy’s still kept Santa on his toes.
Temporary Seasonal Employment
Visual: -music notes from Santa’s mouth –
Caption: Nutmeg’s sudden death notwithstanding, Blinkin really hated the butchered scansion when Santa would change the lyrics to “The Cirlce of Life.”