Holiday Caption Contest!

The holidays are here! They are an amalgam of cheer, snow, stress, shopping, and a whole lot of other things. Why not take a rest from all of your busy holiday rush and slap some funny words under this blank comic from d20Monkey? If Brian and I think your caption is the funniest you’ll be winning some Christmas loot of your own. This month we’ve got some extra goodies to add to the usual haul too!

As always, the winner will have their comedic genius recognized via free stuff and schwag but this month we’ve got so many prizes it’s time to bust out the bulleted list:

  • Your caption posted both here, and at,
  • 6 months of Ascendant time on Obsidian Portal
  • An Obsidian Portal “My Other Shirt Is Chainmail” T-Shirt
  • 3 Custom Obsidian Portal d6′s (with dragon head logo for the 6)
  • A T-Shirt from the d20Monkey store (you pick!)
  • A hand-made Obsidian Portal holiday greeting card
  • A $20 Gift Card
  • A badge for the Winter Fantasy convention in January
Now that’s what I call a prize package!

Contest ends midnight (CST) on December 31st, and the winner will be contacted shortly after. Remember one caption per comment, and leave as many as you like. May the funniest gamer win, and we’d like to wish you a very happy holiday to you, your friends, family, and gaming groups this season!

And the winner is Wolvensense with:

“Shut up, Brian! I’m pretty sure this is because you said ‘tits’ in the pageant.”

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  1. Boy: “The song… it was a warning! ‘Watch out. He sees you when you’re sleeping.’ ”
    Girl: “If only we had known!”

  2. While waiting for Wizards of the Coast to finish playtesting D&D Next some of the game’s iconic monsters had to find other gigs to make ends meet during the holidays.

  3. With an ever tighter budget, Beholder Santa came up with a plan to save Christmas. Instead of receiving a lump of coal, bad children are turned into a lump of coal.

  4. Do you think I’m beautiful Santa? No you look like a Sea Scrag, but a wise man once told me “Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder”. Heres a candy cane, now move on kid.

  5. Pingback: d20monkey - Obsidian Portal Caption Contest: December 2012

  6. Even with the money they saved by not needing a full suit, management was beginning to think this new Santa might not be working out.

  7. One eye sees you when you’re sleeping, one eye knows when you’re awake, and one eye casts ray of disintegration… so be good for goodness sakes!!

  8. Beholder: “Don’t bother kids, I saw October 15th…”
    Girl: “Told you playing Sauce Wars was a bad idea.”
    Boy: “You’re the one who went straight for the mayonnaise!”

  9. Behold-Santa! Better than the old one, you never know which eye is watching and it might just be a disintegration even Vader wouldn’t approve of!

  10. “Will this offering of delicious Children convince you to spare our village, oh Jolly one?”
    “No! Santa the All-Seeing can be sated by Mince Pies and Mince Pies alone!!”

  11. Boy: “Ben Stein should have just told it what he wanted…”

    Girl: “Yeah, instead of offering it Clear Eyes. Wow.”

  12. Narrator: “You walk into a crummy outlet mall and encounter a Santa Beholder in his lair of the North Pole. His festive hats and beard create a false sense of comfort, all to lure you in….”

    Girl or Boy: “Okay, this takes random encounter to a whole new level!”

  13. *staring at the wisp of smoke* Dad, I need to confess something… I’ve been naughty this year and I’m sorry. Can we please go home now?

  14. “Now all the peasants in Faerun liked Christmas a lot, but the aberrants who lived at right-angles to reality… DID NOT!” – From the popular children’s book: How Xilixthanxizkicla the Beholder Stole Christmas

  15. Boy: I’ve seen enough hentai to know what happens next.

    Girl: Please be a dream, please be a dream, please be a dream…

  16. Girl: Dad, why does Santa look like an old potato?
    Boy: Yeah, he looks like an experiment from school last year.
    Beholder: I hate furloughs.

  17. Mall Speaker: “He sees you when you’re sleeping/He knows when you’re awake/He knows when you cheat on your die-rolls (Yes, even that one time)/ So roll’em straight for fair-play’s sake!”

  18. After fighting his way through the mall crowds, steven was confronted with the sudden realization that the gamification of everything had just gone too damn far.

  19. Boy: If that’s what he does to neutral kids I would hate to see what he does to evil ones.
    Girl: Can we go home now? I have some confessions to make…

  20. A scene from the d20 Monkey Christmas Special:

    “We spent so long looking for the Christmas spirit, and all the time it was in the Eye of the Beholder.”

  21. Brett finally found a way to keep all those naughty monsters in line, using his new Klaus power “Unwilling Conscript”

  22. Beholder speech bubble – “Two escalators down, hang a right through housewares and straight on to bedding.”

  23. “Ok, now we’ve established that Marvin was Naughty and deserved to be disintegrated on the spot for what he suggested I do with my false beard…who’s next? and mind, 10 little helpers are watching you…”

  24. “Steve, we appreciate the effort, but I don’t think you’ve quite grasped the subtle art of writing a holiday-themed adventure.”

  25. Pingback: Haste! Saving You The Pain, Wearable Dice Rings, Christmas Gifts for Gamers & More! | Words In The DarkWords In The Dark

  26. Sadly, the perfect disguise was not enough when the beholder’s first instinct was to scream out, “F*&% THE YULE LOG!”

  27. “As you have not learned the true meaning of staying with the party, you will be visited this night by three spirits of things that killed your ranger and your healer.”

  28. “Wow Daddy, they said it couldn’t be done.”

    “But you did it! You made a believable, Christmas Visine ad!”

  29. “I know that expression.”

    “Dad, we know the holidays are stressful, but you CANNOT buy that for Mom.”

  30. Just as western society had scrubbed clean the once dark rituals of Samhain into a kiddie Halloween, so too were little Ida and Jack about to discover the original consequences of kissing under the mistletoe.

  31. Josh may have gone a bit too far toward resolving his holiday doldrums when he penciled in a URE on his family’s Advent calendar.

  32. “And the top left eye is a closed circuit feed back to Brian, Jerry, and Micah’s lair where they play strip Battletech and drink each time one of us references Gary Gygax.”

  33. “No, no, no! Beholder Santa doesn’t go into the Mortivity Scene until the 3rd Lich King arrives from Faerûn with Otik’s Spiced Myrrh on the 6th day of Alturiak!”

    “So what do you say Conner spends Christmas at Grandma’s this year?”

  34. “Should I ask for that Figurine of Wondrous Power: Crystal Raindeer?”
    “No, his Christmas antimagic would ruin it.”

  35. Oh, the dungeon outside was frightful/ but the Tyrant inside is Eye-full/ And since they’ve no place to go/ Flesh to Stone! Flesh to Stone! Flesh to Stone!

  36. People have always told me that the meaning of Christmas is in the “eye of the Beholder”…somehow I don’t think this is what they meant!

  37. Although the kids were nervous at first, even they had to admit it was still safer than The Dark Elf on the Shelf.

  38. Beholder: “Did you think dungeons fill themselves with treasure? We gotta work just like anyone else! Now, did you want a picture or not?”

  39. This year, Anti-Santa, we bring YOU tithes and offerings … my daughter will give you a full set of Pedi-Tenta-Cure, my son will brush your teeth, and I brought you a years supply of Visine.

  40. Of course I’m a beholder! I need this many eyes to see when you are sleeping, to see when you’re awake, to see if you’ve been bad or good. So shut up, for goodness sake.

  41. “He sees you and sees you and sees you and sees you and sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…”

  42. “That’s just a man in a suit, right? …Right?”

    “You said naughty kids get a lump of coal. That looks a lot like a Ray of Disintegration.”

    “It’s not those five eye stalks that terrify me. It’s the one under the hat.”

    “You think he recognizes ‘true neutral’ when he checks his list?”

    “What happened to that kid?” — “He said, ‘Happy Holidays’.”

    “No, YOU ask him how much he gets paid for this.”

    Santa’s elves decide to add “lawn ornaments that look suspiciously like petrified children” to their gift offerings this year.

    “Just one question: Is the evil Beholder Claus vaporizing the naughty kids or the nice ones?”

    Another shopping mall Santa loses his cool with a petulant child.

    “…I’ll wait for Easter.”

    Yet another reason why one should never cosplay as Jack Burton.

  43. Egotistical beyond the need to repeat himself, surprise Beholder Santa confused little Annabelle even more when he shouted out, “Ho!”

  44. Santa’s village in Menzoberranzan was always very festive but management continued to remain confused as to why park attendance was so low.

  45. “Hey, where are all of his elves?”
    “I think he disintegrated them or turned them to stone. Fey and aberrations don’t get along.”

  46. Hello, I am Santa. This season we are running a special on lifelike stone… “replicas” of your children… Two for the price of one.

  47. He sees you when you’re taking an extended rest,
    He knows when you’re a drake
    He knows if you’ve been chaotic evil or lawful good
    So be good for bonus XP sake!
    So you better make your perception roll
    You better not scrye
    You better not route, I’m telling you why
    Beholder Santa’s coming to town!

  48. Boy: Wh…what happens if you’re on the NAUGHTY list?
    Dad: Somehow, son, I don’t think you’re going to find out.

  49. He sees you when you’re sleeping,
    Hopes you don’t disintegrate.
    Whoops you’re on the naughty list
    Did good deeds a bit too late!

  50. “Beholder (muttering): Stupid Irregular Webcomic. Since when are BEHOLDERS not frightening enough for their own appearance in the Lovecraft Christmas song? Now I’m stuck playing as Santa in this back lot, and worst yet, they won’t let me eat anyone, either! *starts crying* I’ve had to be a vegetarian – a VEGETARIAN BEHOLDER! Do you know what that feels like? Do you know what the other monsters say about me? I heard one of the other monsters say the other day that I was losing my scariness! You still think I’m scary, don’t you? Don’t you?”

  51. You’ve triggered the Santa’s Lap Trap kids, roll for initiative.

    Think about this next time I tell you to stop fighting in the car.

  52. you and your siblings just entered the south station of the “santa’ fun park you encounter a false claus. roll for initiative….

  53. Bad things happen when you let four year-olds write their own wish lists by themselves. One childs one read.
    “dEEr sATAn,
    I wAnt To LIv on ThE norTh polE, juST LIk you
    My BorThr [Scribble] SnEks uP on ME AL TIME, cAn I hAvE [Scribble] EyS In BAck of My hEAd LIkE MoMMy
    whEn I MovE To ThE norTh Pole wITh you I cAn BE A ExTrA EyE AroUnd T0 hELP wITh ThE ELvs
    TAnk yoU
    BETlLA[crossed out dor]hor

  54. (dad) santa cassed watch of the demons wrong so instaed of seeing you when your sleeping he looks like that.
    (little kids) oooooohh dosint his DM let him do take-backsees.
    (santa) i wish.

  55. At the top or bottom of panel ” He may only check his list twice, but he only tells you once” Someone off panel calls out “Who is next to sit on Santa’s Lap??”

  56. Taller kid: Huh.. well, I guess this is what we humans get for gentrifying the Underdark and creating the Equal Opportunity Jobs Act for Aberrant citizens. One PR Christmas photo coming up!

  57. Ever since New York City’s famed Neutral Ground gaming store closed, it’s NPCs have been homeless, roaming, and oddly drunk on wassail.

  58. Boy: Dad! Dad! This year’s Santa is so cool! I asked him for Sis to stop annoying me… and he turned her into a statue! (OR “and she hasn’t said a word since.”)

  59. “No, you can’t talk to my Elves instead. I do have some Ogre thralls out back if you’d like to speak to one of them.”

  60. While admittedly overblown, the Christmas Beholder was still better than either the Hanukkah Illithid or the Kwanzaa Aboleth.

  61. Boy: I can’t believe he just disintegrated my BB gun.
    Girl: Well you DID say you could shoot someone’s eye out with it.

  62. Boy: Did he really just disintegrate a his helper elf?
    Girl: I think the elf muttered “Be-HO-HO-HO-lder” one too many times.

  63. Boy: I think NOW would be the time for that Swift Expeditious Retreat, Dad.
    Girl: Hey! That spell is personal range only!

  64. Pingback: Haste! ENWorld Hacked, N.R.G Kickstarter, Salvaging A Campaign & D&D Character Nightmares! | Words In The Dark

  65. Beholder: Kids, I’m warning you. Don’t ever let those people take your copyright rights. Nobody will know who you are, and you will be left on the streets while they’re making their “fancy new edition”.

  66. “And this, Dad, is is happens when you’re too cheap to spring for the ‘premium photo package’.”

  67. Boy: “I told you he wasn’t the real Santa! That beard is totally fake.”
    Girl: “Did he zap that girl because she was naughty, Daddy? “

  68. Boy: So THAT’S why we’re always asleep when he comes in to drop off the presents!
    Girl: I keep telling you you need to boost your Will save.

  69. He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows if you’re awake. He knows how to open the portal to deep forgotten R’yleh where dark Cthulhu lies dreaming….oh wait, wrong mythos. And wrong melody!

  70. Look, kid, just tell me what you want for Christmas, huh? You have any idea what a pain in the optic nerve it was to find five tiny green hats?

  71. “Mommy, I wanna go back to the Haverbrook Mall. They had a sylph for Santa over there.” “Oh no, don’t you even think it. That’s how we lost your father.”

  72. Caption: After a failed playtest, Xorn explores other venues for his talents.
    Boy: Um, I’m good for this year.
    Girl: His eyes are following me.
    Dad *thinking*: Didn’t I see him on Dateline?

  73. Disney’s partnership with WotC was abruptly cut short due to unforseen conflicts during the production of “How Bob the Beholder Saved Christmas”.